perpetual interrogation – no time for romance

I have found in me a disability of not being able to relate myself to love. I have perceive a non-existence need of talking about it. In most of the continuance of my life I haven’t surrender at the temptation of breaking silence and shouting to the multitudes my understanding about what love is. I have noticed how many people full their lips with countless meanings of its presence and constantly absense, as if they were trying to convince the whole existence about something they crave to feel. It’s hard for me to be one of love’s public discipules. It is not easy for me to follow the rules of human concepts, such as logic, enjoyment, pleasure and purpose. I have tried to write about love, I have tried to feel love in the most possible trascendental ways, but internally and subconsciously I can sense an emptiness of value, worth and truth in it. People would think I am going insane if I told them the falseness that I witness in love and in the individuals who believe have had it. I just can’t swallow that empty romanticism that excludes the depth of what is really loving. For me romance is absolutely a pole apart of all the poles the world have shaped at this point of history. I consider myself a romantic in different terms, I am someone who wants to gaze at life beyond the rational answers, beyond the facts and statistics. I want to imagine a world past the norm, with childish views. I require intense emotions, placing emphasis on what is danger, horror and terror. But what can I do if I dont know what I really need, I presence myself as nothing more than a delusion, a figment of imagination an optical illution and a master of misimpressions. I can’t assume I lack emotional or personal connection with others, because I do not but perhaps instinctually I do not crave to develop connections of romantic nature with anyone. At this point I do not know if I have really feel something or nothing at all. A perpetual interrogation that chases me wherever I go. That I can not fall in love is something that, in some way, terrifies me.

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